It is not customary to talk about this problem out loud. Parents, having learned that their child is stealing, experience confusion, shame and, of course, fear: “No one in our family has ever done this,” “What will I tell my friends?”, “We raised a criminal!”
If previously theft was considered a characteristic of children from disadvantaged families, today there are frequent cases when children from families with high material income steal.
What is behind child thefts? Why do children start stealing? How to stop a child from taking what belongs to others? You will find answers to these and other questions in this article.
Do you suspect a child of stealing? Can't get the truth out of him? Find out how things really are - download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores.
Stealing from teenagers
As a child enters adolescence, the reasons why they might steal become more varied and complex. Many teenagers shoplift in front of their friends to impress them, since in most cases the riskiest behavior is the most impressive among their peers. Some teenagers use stealing as a way to assert their independence in a world where adults rule. Teens may also steal out of boredom or if they are looking for a thrill. They may feel that stealing, like all other types of bad behavior, is the only way to get their parents' attention. They may also steal to get revenge on someone who has harmed them or treated them unfairly. And, of course, teenagers may steal for practical reasons, for example, if they want something they cannot afford.
Thefts of children of all ages
Preschool age
The definition of “theft” is not entirely correct for preschool children, because there is no criminal motive in their actions. Kids don't steal, but take someone else's things without asking. They take it because they like it. They take it because they want to have it for themselves. They take it because they don’t yet understand that there is “mine” and there is “someone else’s.”
A child can take someone else’s thing if he wants to punish the offender.
Case study: Vanya brought a toy crane to kindergarten. The children asked Vanya to let him play with him, but Vanya refused, even to his best friend Pasha. When Vanya’s mother came to pick him up in the evening, it turned out that the tap was missing from the cabinet. Everyone rushed to look for the loss, but they never found it. The next day it turned out that Pasha had taken the tap from Vanya’s locker when no one was looking. He wanted to punish Vanya for his greed and at the same time play with such a wonderful toy himself.
School age
At school age, objects of theft include writing materials, stickers, and small toys. Most often, children act spontaneously, without thinking about the consequences of their actions and the feelings of the victim.
Case from practice: The teacher gave a task - to make mushrooms from colored paper and cardboard. Olesya made the most beautiful craft - her mother bought self-adhesive colored film and, together with her daughter, painted each mushroom. After the end of the lesson, the children went to the dining room for lunch, and the mushrooms were left on everyone’s desk. Upon returning, Olesya found someone else’s craft on her desk. After Olesya’s investigation, mushrooms were found on the desk of Alena, a girl from a low-income family who had been seen in similar acts more than once.
⠀ Shoplifting is also popular among schoolchildren. In an effort to prove “coolness” and independence, girls and boys steal chewing gum, chocolates, nail polishes, and Kinder surprises.
Theft at school age is often accompanied by lies. Even if the child was caught at the scene of a crime, he will deny his guilt to the last. With the help of lies, children try to avoid fair punishment for their actions.
The lack of pocket money also pushes children to steal: someone secretly takes money from their parents’ wallet, and someone steals a chocolate bar at the checkout in a store. This action is usually driven by a feeling of personal inferiority (“everyone has it, but I don’t”) and the desire to prove one’s importance through the possession of this or that thing.
Adolescence
During adolescence, self-affirmation and the desire to take a place in the group come to the fore for a teenager. Therefore, thefts committed at this age are associated with the acquisition of a “fashionable” item or with the goal of becoming “one of our own” in the company of peers. Teenagers with an underdeveloped volitional sphere and unformed moral principles are more likely to steal.
Also, the reason for theft can be not only an attempt to assert oneself or weak will, but also theft “for company.”
Case from practice: Dasha grew up as an exemplary, calm girl. She studied well and helped her mother around the house. Everything changed when Dasha turned 15 years old. She began to walk at night with a group of peers, lie, and skip classes. The parents were worried that their girl had changed so much, but hoped that it would soon pass. And then, like a bolt from the blue, a call came: Dasha was taken to the police station on suspicion of complicity in car theft. It turned out that a boy from Dasha’s company stole the keys to his stepfather’s garage in order to go for a ride in the car with everyone else. The teenagers climbed into the garage, rolled out the car, and then police officers arrived. An alarm went off in the garage, which the guys forgot to turn off.
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Are you worried that your child has gotten involved with bad company and is getting involved in dangerous things? Dispel your suspicions or make sure they are true and help your child. Download the Where Are My Children application from the AppStore and GooglePlay stores to use the geolocation function or record sound around the gadget.
Plan
If your child steals from a store or another person, plan how you will return the item or pay for it. Make sure your child is involved in the process. In addition to the consequences that the other party outlines, add your own consequences that apply to theft (for example, doing housework for little pay until the child earns the value of the item he stole and then donates the money earned to charity) so that your the child understood how seriously you took this situation.
What to do if a child steals money from parents: advice from a psychologist
The theft can be committed once, because the child is afraid of losing the love and respect of his parents, does not want to listen to endless long “sermons”, he is afraid of the punishment that follows the act, does not want to lose a holiday gift, and so on. But if one or the second theft went off with a bang and the theft was not followed by punishment, then it will be difficult to stop the little thief.
It is important to know what to do if a loss is discovered, and what absolutely cannot be done:
- Do not make threats when talking about the police and prison. The little man understands that he did wrong, but not so much that such a terrible punishment would follow;
- do not attach labels that sound like a sentence for life: “you are a thief” or “you are a fraudster”, “this is not my son” and so on. Despite the bad deed, parents must understand his motives and side with the child before labeling him;
- do not compare him with negative heroes or difficult teenagers. The child feels bad and continues to perform similar actions. After all, if he has such problems, then he won’t get any better. Another point is that the child again commits a similar act, but more inventively, so as not to get caught;
- do not accuse the thief in front of witnesses, be it a school friend, teacher, or relative. This is humiliating and leads to the formation of a certain opinion about this person later. This behavior causes stressful situations and only lowers self-esteem;
- do not constantly remember old “feats” left in the past. The child has already lived and experienced the current situation, and he is reminded of it again, making him think that he is bad and pushing him to the next negative step.
Please note: The reaction of adults and children to the price of stolen goods is very different. An adult will brush off stolen candy and be indignant if the phone is missing. For a child, the value of the stolen item does not matter, but the value from his point of view of a particular thing.
A psychologist's advice when a child steals money from his parents and educational measures cease to work is important and useful. But they need not just be listened to, but put into practice. And if the situation has reached a dead end, then a psychologist will help in such matters. For example, psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin, who will advise on solving a similar problem.
Let him know that this is unacceptable
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You need to make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate theft in your home, and clearly communicate to him the consequences of stealing in the future. If this happens again, be sure to implement the consequences you promised him. However, do not forget about the presumption of innocence, so do not rummage through your child’s things until you have clear evidence that he has started stealing again.
About the benefits of boundaries
Katerina Demina offers simple step-by-step instructions to help adults cope with their feelings: “Acknowledge that you are experiencing this feeling, it exists, then exhale deeply and let go.” “It’s good to drink a glass of water,” the psychologist advises.
In Russian culture, feeling is equal to action: angry - hit, ashamed - broke off the relationship, ashamed of the child - kicked him out of the house, beat him. We need to learn to stop at the stage of feelings. You can say, for example, loudly: “I’m very angry!” But at the same time, stay in place, don’t run anywhere, don’t grab the child, don’t pull, don’t hit.
When you have an emotional conversation in a raised voice, you can get into trouble. There are excellent nonviolent communication techniques that all parents who are not yet familiar with them would do well to learn.
A calm, constructive conversation can be built on the following principle: “Son (or daughter), I see this. I feel this way about this. Please explain to me what I see means." This way you do not hold the child responsible for your experiences, you remain within your own boundaries, and do not violate the personal boundaries of the child, who is anxiously awaiting the outcome. And it is important to help him, and not to aggravate his condition or situation even more.
Bad Company
Many teenagers begin to steal and commit other similar offenses in the company of friends, without whom they would not even think about such actions. If your child steals in front of friends, you should discuss this problem with him. You might consider stopping your child from hanging out with these friends, but you need to be realistic—this strategy usually has the opposite effect and makes these friends even more attractive to your teen. Instead, you should work with your child on the ability to refuse. Teach him to say, "You can do what you want, but I don't want any more trouble, so I'll wait outside."
Provide employment
Crimes are often committed by teenagers who have a lot of free time. Previously, we were all busy all day: school, extra classes or training, then we still had to do homework. Now everything is paid, parents do not always have the opportunity to place their children somewhere, but this needs to be done. Even if teenagers do not go to sections or clubs, we need to provide them with something to do during the day. This could be some kind of household chores, helping neighbors or acquaintances. The main thing is to prevent idleness and teach the child to work. Without this it is difficult to raise a true Christian. After all, a real Christian is not one who lies on the couch all day and says: “Lord, have mercy and give me something to eat!”, but one who works hard all day. What was Adam called to do? - to cultivate and maintain the Garden of Eden. Our task now is to cultivate what surrounds us.
Consequences
Help your child understand that the consequences of stealing are much more serious than just personal punishment. Talk to your child about how shoplifting causes prices to rise, or about what a society would look like without laws against theft. Not only do these types of discussions develop your child's empathy and improve their thinking skills, but the time and effort you put into your child will pay off in the future, regardless of the topic of the conversation.
Theft of children from poor and rich families: is there a difference?
Paradoxically, children in rich families steal more and more often. Since the problem of money is not acute here, parents do not explain to their child that theft is not a positive behavioral trait.
And the child, without remorse, takes money from guests, servants, and relatives. For a long time, no one blames or suspects that banknotes disappear due to the fault of their own children. The daughter or son feels safe. They are confident in parental love and favor, an abundance of money and their own impunity turns into a vice over time.
What to do if a child from a rich family steals? The psychologist's advice is based on a diagnosis of a nervous disorder due to lack of attention, kleptomania, or misunderstanding of the value of banknotes.
Children from poor families observe how carefully their parents distribute and spend the money they earn, how they count “every penny” and usually do not steal from their parents. The risk of exposure is too high, followed by punitive measures. In addition, the child begins to quickly realize the importance of banknotes.
It is much easier for a child from a disadvantaged family to steal a pack of chips, a chocolate bar or cookies from the supermarket. From their point of view, this is not as dangerous as stealing from loved ones. And if the thief does not get caught for a long time, then the thefts will be repeated repeatedly. If he is exposed, then stress and shock will have their effect and the offense may become isolated and will not occur again.
Regardless of social status, children can steal both at home and at school. This is due to several reasons:
- a strong desire to possess someone else’s thing, although there are remorse;
- material insecurity or psychological dissatisfaction;
- unformed concept of morality and willpower.
Important: A child of any age can commit theft if the motive for such an action is strong. This is a temporary weakness, after which remorse torments you. A stolen item “burns your hands” and the thief usually tries to get rid of it.
Golden mean
When it comes to your child and material goods, try to find a middle ground. Understand that things like clothing and technology are very important to a teenager because they act as a way of demonstrating both individuality and membership in a particular group that is important to him. Don't give your teen everything he asks for, as this can make him feel entitled and lack respect for the property of others. Instead, allow your teen to earn the material goods of their choice through long periods of good behavior, or you can help them find a way to earn money on their own.
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Parents' mistakes
Parental educational methods and mistakes can push a child into stealing or aggravate an existing tendency to steal:
- inconsistency in educational measures, when in one situation a child is punished for an offense, but in another he can avoid punishment;
- inconsistent demands of adults (mom prohibits something, but dad, on the contrary, allows it);
- permissiveness of the child, lack of instilled moral standards;
- total control over the child’s life;
- “double” morality in the family, when a son or daughter is allowed to take everything, including money, if mom/dad is in a good mood.
