There are several ways a teenager can try if they start stealing: taking money from their parents' bag, stealing something from a store, or bringing home some school things. Depending on how big the theft is, he could be in trouble with the law. However, even if the theft is minor, the teenager who steals is guaranteed to face feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. His parents experience the same thing when the situation ceases to be a secret. Here are steps you can take to stop your teen from stealing again and from ending up in a bad situation.
Explain the consequences of stealing
So, you notice that your teenager is taking money from your wallet, or you found something stolen from a store in his backpack. If this is the first time this has happened and your teen has not committed a crime before, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss how important it is to respect other people's property and that breaking the law can land you in jail. You should not downplay the seriousness of the situation or assume that theft is quite normal if no one noticed you. Speak clearly and clearly when explaining the situation, say that the consequences can change a person's entire life. Use specific definitions - theft and theft. Remind that the teenager could end up in prison for several years, depending on the severity of the offense. Remember that the situation is truly critical, so under no circumstances should it be ignored.
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Attention from others for money
Monitor your baby's social life so you don't miss any warning signs. Children often take money and things from home, buying the attention of those around them.
9-year-old Dasha could not make friends with anyone. This is a very common situation when an outcast is “selected” from a group of children with whom no one communicates. Children's desire for self-affirmation and attempts to rise above others can manifest themselves at a very early age. This cannot be called cruelty. This behavior is only one of the stages in the formation of one’s own “I”. So, no one was friends with Dasha, her parents were busy, the girl complained to her grandmother that there was no one to play with, to which the elderly woman reasonably remarked that “she doesn’t go to school to play, but to study.” And as a result, the child solved his problem himself: first, the girl stole an unknown amount from home (this became clear much later, when it came to the trial) and bought candy.
Saying it was her birthday, she treated the children all day and was the center of attention until the candy ran out. The next time she took her father's mobile phone, telling the class that it was given to her. The parents, having decided to carry out educational work, staged a public hearing in the class, as a result of which the girl received severe stress, which subsequently could not be cured for a long time, and the child had to be transferred to another school, since she flatly refused to go to that class. Among other things, due to the child’s nervousness, this also resulted in skin rashes.
Show the consequences of stealing
Another method is not to tell, but to show specific examples of what can happen if a child is caught stealing. If your teenager took money or some things from you, some parents recommend calling the police and making a “mock” arrest so that the police officer explains to the child what the consequences may be and how his whole life will change. This tactic may seem extreme, and it is only suitable if the theft affects you directly, because then it is up to you to decide whether to contact the police. However, there is a plus - this method can frighten a teenager so much that he will never want to steal again. Consider whether this approach is appropriate for your particular situation.
Don't leave money in plain sight
Elena (38 years old): “I remember how, at the age of 7, I stole money from my mother for the first time. “Soyuzpechat” sold “overflow” calendars for 40 kopecks. I really wanted one like this. I would never dare to get into my mother's wallet. I remember walking around the apartment and collecting small change on the shelves, in pockets, and bags. I didn't think I was stealing. There was a very clear feeling that I was taking unnecessary money. The “necessary” ones, as it seemed to me then, were in my wallet. But I also understood that I was not doing well.”
So, here is the first parental mistake: do not leave money in sight, do not provoke the child.
Create a punishment that involves positive action.
You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.
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Don't make it public
So, another mistake: never make such incidents public. The child's psyche is too fragile for such tests. Even for an adult it is difficult to survive public shame. Previously, there was even a punishment when the criminal was chained to the “pillory.” Don't do this to your child. All issues should be resolved not by force (and certainly not by physical!) methods in a narrow family circle. Remember, if a child steals, then most likely this has nothing to do with the “bad genes” of his ancestors; most likely, this is evidence that there are problems in your family.
Either this is due to a lack of warmth and understanding on the part of the parents, or you have missed something in the child’s social life. The case of 6-year-old Ivan is noteworthy. The boy regularly stole money from his mother and hid it under the mattress. Mom, remaking the bed, found them every time and everything was repeated again: he stole, mom found. At the reception it turned out that the family was single-parent, there was no father, the mother was at work from morning to evening, the child was with a nanny. When he hid the money, he knew that his mother would find out and scold him. The child explained the situation like this: but my mother sits on my bed, talks, and then kisses me good night. “Talks” is trying to explain why stealing is not good. From further conversation it became clear that the child does not hear these explanations, he is simply provoking his mother to communicate with him.
Ask a teenager why he decided to steal
Try to figure out what motivation is hidden behind the teenager’s action. Perhaps it is due to some other problems or difficulties. If you know what caused the behavior, it will be easier for you to prevent the unpleasant situation from happening again. Teenagers steal for a variety of reasons. For example, it may be a matter of desire to fit into the team. A child wants a fashionable smartphone or stylish sneakers, and the only way to get them is to steal from a store or take money from someone to make the desired purchase. Fitting in is an important part of growing up, and teenagers often feel pressured to have the same things as everyone else in order to fit in. Another reason that pushes people to steal is the need for attention. Any attention from others, even openly negative, may seem like a better solution than no attention at all. A teenager steals because he knows that you definitely won’t ignore it. He's trying to get you to notice him. It is worth noting another reason such as embarrassment. Condoms, tampons, pregnancy tests, emergency contraception—such items can cause such embarrassment that stealing seems like a better choice for a teen. This is the only way out, because asking someone for money for this is simply unacceptable, as it seems to a teenager. Finally, some teenagers are attracted to the feeling of danger. They enjoy experiencing new emotions and taking part in risky activities, and are interested in the forbidden and wrong out of a sense of contradiction. Stealing, then, could be a way of testing boundaries: how far can you go with impunity? If you ignore your teenager's misbehavior, the problem will only get worse.
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A child steals: what to do?
It so happened that several times I had to face the problem of theft from primary schoolchildren and teenagers. I’ll be honest, the first time I listened to my parents’ complaints, I was scared and began to think about which colleague I could “throw” these problematic clients to. But professional curiosity prevailed over my sense of incompetence, and I began to collect the necessary materials.
I had to collect information literally bit by bit. The problem of child theft has been little studied by psychologists; material on this topic is presented mainly in the form of scattered articles. There is especially little information about these kinds of difficulties in the behavior of well-off children. You can get some information about juvenile offenders registered with the police, or clients of psychiatrists (who, by the way, have a large amount of clinical material).
Since this topic is quite relevant, I want to offer a generalized and expanded psychological experience of working with such requests.
Evidence of immorality?
Child theft is one of the so-called “shameful” problems. Parents are most often embarrassed to talk about this topic; it is not easy for them to admit to a psychologist that their child has committed a “terrible” offense - stole money or misappropriated someone else’s property.
This behavior of the child is perceived by the family as evidence of his incurable immorality. “No one in our family has ever done anything like this!” — you often hear from shocked relatives. Not only does such a child disgrace the family, but his parents see his future as exclusively criminal. Although in reality in most cases everything is not so scary.
The idea of what is “mine” and “someone else’s” appears in a child after three years, when he begins to develop self-awareness. It would never occur to anyone to call a two or three year old child a thief who took someone’s thing without asking. But the older the child, the more likely it is that such an act will be regarded as an attempt to appropriate someone else’s property, in other words, as “theft.”
The age of the child in such a situation is indisputable evidence of the awareness of what is being done, although this is not always true. (There are cases when children of seven or eight years old did not realize that, by appropriating someone’s thing, they were violating generally accepted norms, but it happens that five-year-old children, when committing theft, are well aware that they are doing wrong.)
Is it possible, for example, to consider a five-year-old boy who, having great sympathy for his peer, gave her all his mother’s gold jewelry, as a thief? The boy believed that these decorations belonged to him as well as to his mother.
Three reasons
The development of social norms and the moral development of a child occurs under the influence of others - first parents, and then peers. It all depends on the scale of the proposed values. If parents do not promptly explain to their children the difference between the concepts of “one’s own” and “someone else’s”, if the child grows up weak-willed, irresponsible, does not know how to empathize and put himself in the place of another, then he will demonstrate antisocial behavior.
If a child is not doing well at home (for example, his parents are always busy, they don’t care about his problems and interests, they reject him), then the child will seek solace outside the family. To gain popularity and respect from their peers, such a child is ready to do a lot. And here it depends on your luck, what kind of company you come across. A child who has not received the skills of trusting, interested, accepting communication in the family is unlikely to end up in a prosperous company.
I conditionally identify three main reasons for child theft:
— A strong desire to own the thing you like, despite the voice of conscience. — Serious psychological dissatisfaction of the child. — Lack of development of moral ideas and will.
I want it - I want it
At the beginning of the school year, an emergency occurred in the second grade. A chocolate bar bought from the school cafeteria disappeared from Vasya’s desk. Vasya was very upset, so the teacher considered it necessary to conduct an investigation, during which it turned out that Pasha ate the chocolate bar. In his defense, Pasha said that he found a chocolate bar on the floor and decided that it was a draw. At the same time, Pasha broke the rule: everything found in the classroom must be given to the teacher if you cannot find the owner yourself.
In fact, the boy knew everything perfectly well. He also knew that it was useless to ask Vasya to share. Parents gave Pasha money only for lunch and did not encourage independent purchases of chocolates, sweets and chewing gum, but Pasha really wanted to try such a chocolate bar. He consoled himself with the thought that Vasya would buy himself a new one and, in general, he already eats them every day.
Probably, each of us at least once in our lives has experienced a strong desire to appropriate something that does not belong to us. How many people could not resist the temptation and committed theft - we will never know. Such offenses are rarely told even to the closest people.
Such thefts most often have no consequences, they usually are not repeated. They are distinguished by some features.
Firstly, the age of the thief can be different; both a preschooler and a teenager can commit such a theft.
Secondly, the child understands perfectly well that he is committing a bad act, but the power of temptation is so great that he cannot resist.
Thirdly, such a child already has sufficiently formed moral ideas, since he understands that it is impossible to take someone else’s property. He realizes that, following his desires, he harms another person, but he finds various justifications for his action.
This behavior is reminiscent of the behavior of a person who climbed into someone else’s garden to eat some fruit: “I’ll eat a few apples, the owner will not lose it, but I really want to.” At the same time, the person does not believe that he is doing something reprehensible. He, of course, would be very embarrassed if he were caught “at the crime scene.” And, most likely, he is uncomfortable with the idea that someone could encroach on his property in the same way.
Response to Trauma
The most serious cause for concern is given by a child who periodically steals money or things belonging to his relatives or close family friends. Most often, thefts of this kind are committed by teenagers and primary schoolchildren, although the origins of such behavior may lie in early childhood.
Usually, during a conversation with parents, it turns out that in early childhood the child had already committed theft, but then they “dealt with him” using home remedies (unfortunately, often very humiliating for the child). And only in adolescence, when theft begins to spread beyond the family, parents realize that the situation is getting out of control and turn to a psychologist for help.
Research by psychologist E.H. Davydova, conducted in families of children who steal, showed that theft is a child’s reaction to traumatic life circumstances.
My own experience confirms that in families of children who steal, there is emotional coldness between relatives. A child from such a family either feels that he is not loved, or in early childhood experienced a divorce from his parents, and although the relationship with his father is preserved, he sees alienation, even hostility, between his parents.
If you draw up a psychological portrait of a child who steals, then what primarily attracts attention is his goodwill towards others and his openness. Such a child is ready to talk a lot and openly about himself (naturally, we did not talk about theft in our conversations).
What makes relatives most angry and irritated is that the child who committed the crime does not seem to understand what he did, he denies it and behaves as if nothing had happened. This behavior of his causes righteous anger among adults: if you steal, repent, ask for forgiveness, and then we will try to improve our relationship. As a result, a wall grows between him and his loved ones; the child appears to them as a monster, incapable of repentance.
Such thefts are not aimed at either enrichment or revenge. Most often, the child is almost unaware of what he has done. To the angry question of his relatives: “Why did you do this?”, he answers quite sincerely: “I don’t know.” There is one thing we cannot understand: theft is a cry for help, an attempt to reach us.
Way of self-affirmation
Stealing can be a way of self-affirmation, which is also evidence of a child’s dysfunction. In this way he wants to attract attention to himself, to win someone’s favor (with various treats or beautiful things).
E.H. Davydova notes that the condition for happiness for such children is the good attitude of their parents towards them, good attitude towards them in the class, the presence of friends and material wealth.
For example, a small child who stole money from home and bought candy with it, distributes it to other children in order to buy their love, friendship, and good attitude. The child increases his own importance or tries to attract the attention of others in the only possible way, in his opinion.
Not finding support and understanding in the family, the child begins to steal outside the family. One gets the feeling that he is doing this to spite his always busy and dissatisfied parents or to take revenge on his more prosperous peers.
One eight-year-old girl constantly hid and threw away her little brother's things. She did this because the family clearly preferred their youngest son to her and had high hopes for him, and although she studied very well, she could not become the best in the class. The girl withdrew into herself, she did not have close relationships with anyone in the class, and her only friend was her pet rat, to whom she confided all her sorrows and joys. The reasons for her theft were parental coldness towards her and, as a consequence of this, jealousy and the desire to take revenge on her parents' favorite - her younger brother.
Hard case
I would like to tell you about two cases from my practice in which I was unable to do almost anything.
An eight-year-old boy stole poorly placed toys and money from his classmates. But he did not use them, but hid them in a secluded place, which was later discovered by the teacher. His behavior was similar to revenge, as if he wanted to punish the people around him.
In the process of psychological work with him and his family, it became clear that not everything was going well for the boy at home. Relationships in the family were cold, alienated, and physical punishment was practiced. The boy could not count on support in a difficult situation; even his successes were formally rejoiced: he met the standards - and that was good. All incentives were limited to material ones: money was given or something was bought.
The relationship between the parents was tense, apparently with frequent conflicts and mutual accusations. Neither father nor mother loved their older sister (by the way, very gifted), considering her the reason for their unsuccessful family and professional life.
This was made clear to me by my mother, who said during one of the conversations: “If it weren’t for her, I would not live with this person, but would do an interesting job.”
The boy was very capable, well-read, observant, but unpopular. In the class he had one friend, in relation to whom the boy took a dominant position: he figured out what to play, what to do, and was in charge in the games.
In general, it looked like the child did not know how to communicate as equals. He was unable to make friends with his peers, and there was no trust or love in his relationships with teachers.
It was felt that he was drawn to people, he was lonely, but he did not know how to build warm, trusting relationships. Everything was built on the basis of fear and submission. Even with their sister, they were allies in confronting parental coldness, and not loving relatives.
He committed thefts at home to annoy his parents, and in the classroom to make others around him feel bad, so that he wouldn’t be the only one who felt bad...
The teacher told me about another case.
In the second grade, the children began to lose their school supplies (pens, pencil cases, textbooks) and they were found in the briefcase of a boy who had a reputation among teachers as a hooligan because of his bad behavior, but was popular among his classmates.
The most interesting thing is that he himself discovered the missing things in his backpack and reported the discovery to those around him with genuine surprise. He answered all questions with sincere bewilderment, not understanding how these things ended up in his possession. Why would this boy steal things from the boys and then pretend to be surprised when he found them in his possession? The teacher didn't know what to think.
One day, when all the guys were in physical education, she looked into the empty classroom and saw the following picture. The girl, freed from physical education, collected various things from her desks and hid them in this boy’s briefcase.
The girl, the youngest in her class, entered school as a child prodigy, but already at the beginning of the first grade she began to experience great difficulties in her studies. The parents took the position that “studies are not the most important thing” and believed that the teachers were unnecessarily nagging at their daughter.
The girl’s relationships in the class also did not work out; she aspired to the main roles, but did not have authority with her classmates, and often quarreled with them. She was afraid of teachers and told them that she had forgotten her notebook or diary when she was threatened with a bad grade.
One can only guess about the motives for such theft. Perhaps, since only she knew the truth about these mysterious disappearances, this secret made her more significant in her own eyes. At the same time, she took revenge on that boy who, despite lame discipline and problems with teachers, was successful both in studies and in friendship. By “substituting” him, she apparently hoped to discredit him in the eyes of others.
For me, these cases turned out to be the most difficult, because the parents were ready to change something in the child, but did not want to admit the need to change their relationships and change themselves.
All that teachers and psychologists could do for these children was, desperate to reach their parents, try to ensure a friendly attitude towards them on their part and help them avoid conflicts with classmates and improve their status.
Gaps in education
I would like to note that all the children I am talking about gave the impression of being dependent, infantile, and controlled by their parents in everything.
Perhaps all thieves are characterized by insufficient development of will. But if the described categories of children understood that they were doing something reprehensible, then some children appropriate for themselves what belongs to others, without even thinking about how it looks in the eyes of others, or about the consequences. They take the hands they like and help themselves to other people's sweets without asking. When committing “thefts,” children do not put themselves in the place of the “victim” and do not imagine her feelings, unlike a child who takes revenge on his “offenders” by stealing.
Such behavior in children is a consequence of a serious gap in their moral education. It is necessary to explain to a child from an early age what someone else’s property is, that it is impossible to take other people’s things without permission, and to draw his attention to the experiences of a person who has lost something.
It is very useful to analyze with your child various situations related to the violation or observance of moral standards. For example, my practice shows that children 6–7 years old are strongly impressed by N. Nosov’s story “Cucumbers.” Let me remind you of the content of this story.
A preschool boy stole cucumbers from a collective farm field in company with his older friend. The friend, however, did not take the cucumbers home, as he was afraid of punishment, but gave them all to the boy. The boy’s mother was very angry with her son and ordered him to take the cucumbers back, which he did after much hesitation. When the boy gave the cucumbers to the watchman and found out that there was nothing wrong with eating one cucumber, he felt very good and light at heart.
It is the opportunity to correct what has been done, the need to take responsibility for one’s actions, the pangs of conscience and the relief experienced as a result of resolving the problem that the child should pay special attention to.
By the way, this same story raises another problem. When the mother tells her son to return the cucumbers, he refuses, fearing that the guard will shoot him. To which the mother says that it would be better for her not to have any son than for a son to be a thief.
In my opinion, such “shock therapy” is not always so effective and is quite dangerous in the case of emotionally excitable children. Leaving a child alone with a wrongdoing, denying it, we can only aggravate the problem, causing instead of repentance and a desire to improve, despair and a desire to leave everything as it is or make it even worse.
"Not caught, not a thief"
Classmates Masha, Katya and Alena from a parallel class were looking at magnets for the board on the teacher’s desk. Then they went to play. After some time, the teacher of the extended group heard that the girls were arguing about something. It turned out that Masha and Katya saw a large magnet in Alena’s hands. They decided that Alena took this magnet from their teacher’s desk.
The teacher asked Alena to show the magnet, but she refused, citing the fact that it was her own thing. The teacher insisted that if the girl did not show the magnet, then she had stolen it from the teacher’s desk.
Masha and Katya also shouted that Alena stole the magnet. The girl refused to show her magnet and cried. She started to get hysterical. Her class teacher came to the rescue, reassuring Alena in a friendly tone and finally finding out that the magnet really belonged to the girl. The teacher explained her persistence by the difficult character of Alena, who always violates discipline, quarrels with everyone, and is very stubborn.
In my opinion, parents, teachers, and educators should always proceed from the rule: never accuse a child of theft, even if there was no one else to do it (the exception is when you caught the child at the crime scene, but even in this case select expression).
Sometimes even one conversation on this topic is enough to give rise to an inferiority complex in a child, which will poison his life.
I once worked with a thirteen-year-old girl. Her relatives were sure that she was stealing money from her stepfather. It turned out that all the thefts were committed by the stepfather's brother, who tried to blame the girl (he even staged the loss of money from his pocket). And the family believed that the girl was to blame, because at the age of five she stole money from her mother and bought treats for her friends with it.
But one day the true thief miscalculated, and everything was revealed. The girl was “rehabilitated” in the eyes of her family. However, when it comes to a child’s soul, the law “better late than never” does not work. And no one can say what irreparable damage was caused to the teenager’s personality by unfair accusations, by a situation where everyone except the mother (which, admittedly, is already quite a lot) was opposed to the child and did not believe him.
On the path of condemnation and punishment
And it’s not just the possibility of unfair accusation that should keep adults from “calling a spade a spade.” Remember the boy from the story “Cucumbers”, which we already talked about. Probably the most terrible thing for him was not his mother’s anger, not the fear of the watchman and his gun, but the consciousness that he had done something that made his mother no longer love him.
It’s good that at least his mother left him the opportunity to atone for his guilt, otherwise the impact of despair and hopelessness would be destructive for the child’s soul. This would destroy his self-confidence and create in the child a sense of his own depravity.
Working with such a child is extremely difficult, and such a wound may never heal. By the way, the children themselves, in the process of discussing the story, expressed the opinion that mother did the right thing; if they were in her place, they would have done the same. Such categoricalness indicates that, if they find themselves in a similar situation, they will sincerely think that they no longer deserve parental love.
By following the path of condemnation and punishment, parents thereby secure the child’s reputation as a thief. Even if the offense was the only one, the relatives already see the mark of depravity on the child, in every prank and failure they see an ominous reflection of the past. They expect that things will get even worse, and as soon as the child stumbles, they almost exclaim with relief: “Here it is!” We knew that everything would be like this, what else can you expect from him?!”
It seems that the child is being pushed towards illegal behavior. A little person who finds himself in a situation of misunderstanding and rejection may become embittered, and his thefts may already have a completely different - criminal meaning.
At first, this will be an attempt to take revenge on the offenders, to feel superior to them, and then it can become a way to satisfy material needs.
Psychologist's advice
How to prevent theft?
The reasons or considerations that make a child refrain from stealing must, in all likelihood, be exactly the opposite of those that induce him to commit theft. Firstly, those children who have sufficiently developed will and moral ideas will not steal. Secondly, those who know how to restrain their desires. Thirdly, emotionally prosperous children.
Very often you can hear the opinion that most people are deterred from committing crimes (including theft) only because of fear of inevitable punishment. It seems to me that this is not the only reason.
I invited the first and second grade students to listen to a story about the boy Vita, whom another boy, Temka, called to steal apples from a neighbor (for whom the sale of these apples was the main means of feeding his family).
In front of Vitya, Temka is severely punished, but he again climbs into the garden and again calls Vitya with him. Vitya really wants to try the apples, but he doesn’t dare to go with Temka.
Then I asked the guys: why doesn’t Vitya go steal apples? 27% of respondents said that Vitya was afraid of punishment, 39% - that he sympathized with the one who was going to be robbed, 34% pointed to moral considerations (Vitya is ashamed, he knows that stealing is bad, etc.).
The results of this small survey (a total of 40 students responded) show that fear of retaliation is not the only and significant reason that keeps even 7-8-year-old children from committing theft.
In the fairy tale “Aibolit,” which I loved as a child, the parrot Carudo stole the key to the dungeon from Barmaley in order to save his friends. In my childish opinion, this is an act that involves risk and arouses admiration. As we grow older, we can understand and justify someone who steals out of desperation to save their loved ones (for example, from hunger).
But neither the examination of other people's bags and pockets, nor attempts to make money at someone else's expense can be justified by us. You must be prepared to explain all this to your children.
But the most important thing is what example we set with our behavior. A child receives his first and most important moral lessons in the family, observing the behavior of loved ones. We must always remember this.
There's no hiding from this
Finally, I would like to touch on one more important point related to the problem of theft.
Theft is a phenomenon of our life that a child will sooner or later have to face, no matter how hard we try to protect him from such troubles. Either they will cheat him in the store, or they will steal something from his pocket, or they will invite him to the neighbor’s orchard to buy apples. And every parent should be prepared to ask the question: “Why can’t this be done? Why do others do this and nothing?”
Having become a victim of thieves for the first time, a child can experience this very painfully. He will consider himself to blame for what happened, he will be very unpleasant, even disgusted (many people who were robbed spoke of a feeling of disgust as the main reaction to what happened to them).
The child may even stop trusting people; he will see all strangers as thieves. He may want to repay those around him in kind; for him this will become a kind of revenge.
Explain to your child that bad people are found everywhere. (For me personally, it was a shock when I was robbed at the Lenin Library, then they told me that this was a common occurrence there).
Discuss the problem of theft in your family, express your attitude towards it, teach your children to protect their property.
The child must be taught not only respect for other people's property, but also vigilance. He must know that not all people consider other people's things inviolable.
Tips for parents
How to behave if you suspect a child of stealing?
If a child is “not caught red-handed,” regardless of any suspicions, do not rush to blame him. Remember the presumption of innocence.
Be extremely careful, be sensitive, because this is not a repeat offender, but a child. It depends on you how he will grow up. By hastening and giving vent to your indignation, you can ruin a child’s life, deprive him of confidence in the right to be treated well by others, and thereby of self-confidence.
Some parents angrily beat their children's hands, saying that in ancient times thieves had their hands cut off, and threaten to hand them over to the police next time. This embitters children and creates a feeling of their own depravity.
Share the responsibility with your child, help him correct the situation, and let him learn about such radical measures from books and be glad that his parents will not abandon him in trouble.
Let your child know how upset you are about what is happening, but try not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of your feelings, a joint search for a solution to any problem is better than a showdown.
Try to understand the reasons for this action. Perhaps there is some serious problem behind the theft. For example, a child took money from home because they demanded a “debt” from him, and he is ashamed to admit it, or he lost someone’s thing, and this loss must be compensated...
Try to find a way out of this situation together with your child. Remember - this should be a joint decision, not your order.
The stolen item must be returned to the owner, but it is not necessary to force the child to do it on his own; you can go with him. He must feel that every person has the right to support.
If you are sure that the child took the item, but it is difficult for him to admit it, tell him that it can be quietly put back in its place. For example, the following move is suitable for small children: “Apparently, there is a brownie in our house. He was the one who stole something. Let’s give him a treat, he’ll become kinder and give us back what we lost.”
In general, leave your child an escape route. Psychologist Le Shan advises: if you discover that a child has someone else’s toy, which he stole from a friend, but claims that it was given to him, you need to tell him the following: “I can imagine how much you wanted the doll if you really believed that it was for you.” gave."
The reason for theft can be not only an attempt to assert oneself or a weak will, but also the example of friends, the so-called theft “for company.”
At a young age, it is often enough for a child to explain that he is doing something wrong and to protect him from communicating with children who encourage him to do bad things.
In adolescence, everything is much more serious. The child chooses his own friends, and your assurances that they are not suitable for him can have the exact opposite effect. The teenager will distance himself from you and begin to hide who and how he spends his time.
In addition, committing thefts in certain companies increases your authority in the eyes of your comrades.
It is important to know all of your child's friends, especially if you are afraid of negative influence from them. Invite them home, if possible, meet their parents.
The most important thing is to unobtrusively create an acceptable social circle for the child. This needs to be taken care of while he is still small. These could be the children of your friends, his classmates, some kind of club, circle, section - in a word, any society that unites people with similar interests and who treat each other kindly.
A few words about prevention
A confidential conversation is the best prevention of possible difficulties. Discuss your child’s problems and tell us about yours. It will be especially good if you share your own experiences, tell us what feelings you experienced in a similar situation. The child will feel your sincere desire to understand him, friendly, lively participation.
It would be good to direct his activity “in a peaceful direction”: find out what really interests your child (sports, art, collecting some kind of collection, some books, photography, etc.). The sooner you do this, the better. A person whose life is filled with activities that are interesting to him feels happier and more needed. He doesn’t need to attract attention to himself; he will definitely have at least one friend.
The child must be taught to empathize and think about the feelings of others. We need to introduce him to the rule: “Do as you want to be treated,” and explain the meaning of this rule using examples from your own life.
The child needs to be responsible for someone or something in the family - for his younger brother, for the presence of fresh bread in the house, for watering the flowers, and certainly, starting from the age of 7–8, for his own briefcase, table, room, etc. . Gradually hand over things to him, share responsibility with him.
The greatest concern is caused by cases of theft that extend beyond the home or are repeated repeatedly. And of all age categories, adolescence is the most dangerous.
When a child steals frequently, it develops into a bad habit. If he steals outside the family, this is already indulging his vicious desires. If an older child steals, this is a character trait.
Compared to our adults, children's problems often look funny, far-fetched, and not worth attention, but the child does not think so. For him, many situations may seem hopeless. Remember this and remember your childhood and your childhood problems more often, think about what you would do in his place. The child needs to know whether he can count on your attention and understanding, sympathy and help.
Author: Marina Kravtsova
Source: https://www.psychologos.ru
Provide your teenager with alternative sources of income
If your teen steals because he can't afford the same things as his peers, try finding him a part-time job. This will help him become more responsible and learn how to handle money correctly, and will also provide him with the freedom to buy what he wants rather than steal. You can also encourage your child to create their own budget so that they learn how to save and manage money correctly. Such skills will seriously help him in later life.
To prevent theft from happening again
The most important thing a parent can do in this regard is to lead by example. Take a closer look at yourself - are you transmitting a double message to your child? Perhaps, in words, you convince him that taking someone else’s is not good, and you yourself brag about how you managed to bribe the traffic cop who detained you for speeding? Or you talk about how wrong it is to steal, that it is a criminal offense for which people go to prison, but then you speak with admiration about the movie thief who managed to escape punishment.
“When a child commits an offense, parents need to remember whether they set an example - voluntarily or unwittingly,” concludes Katerina Demina. “Children look up to mom and dad all the time, so we set an example for them with our whole lives.”
Photo: Collection/iStock
Find extra activities for your child
Encourage self-development by allowing your teen to use his energy to hone his skills and abilities in productive ways, such as by playing a sport or participating in a hobby group. This will help the child establish communication with peers who have interests other than material values and the latest fashion trends.
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Why do children start stealing?
The reasons for theft in adolescence can be very different:
- By breaking rules, a child seeks parental attention
- Forbidden things - smoking, drinking alcohol and stealing - give the child a sense of superiority and a false sense of “I am an adult, I do what I want, and no one orders me.”
- Teenagers test the boundaries of what is acceptable. And if the theft is not disclosed or is ignored by adults, then this behavior is reinforced
- A teenager is not bought things that are rated among his peers, he is looking for a way to get the desired thing in order to be accepted into the pack
- A teenager may steal to show off his daring and stand out, because sometimes he doesn’t know how to do it differently.
Spend more time with your teenager
If theft is an attempt to attract attention, the situation should under no circumstances be ignored. Try to spend time with your teenager on a regular basis, demonstrate that you care about him. Invite him to do something together - choose something that really interests him, for example, go to a concert of his favorite band. In such a situation, you can discuss awkward questions and topics that cause discomfort. Reassure your teen that there is no reason to be shy and that stealing is not an option. Explain that you can always turn to you for help and that condoms and other types of contraception are not something to start stealing over.
Why Stealing at Seven Can Be a Sign of Serious Problems
By the age of seven, a normally developed child is already able to control his impulsive impulses, and if this does not happen, then parents should take this as a serious bell, as a signal that something is wrong with the child.
The point is this: the peculiarities of the human psyche are such that at the age of six and even seven years in the brain, the processes of nervous excitation prevail over the processes of inhibition - this age-related feature of preschoolers is called impulsiveness of behavior. At this age, the emotional-volitional sphere is still being formed. In other words, in an ordinary child under the age of 5–6 years, the desire to do as he wants at a particular moment prevails over the physical control of his actions.
In a situation of high temptation - “to take what you liked so much at this very moment” - it can be too difficult for a child to control his body and move away without even touching the object: the central nervous system is not yet mature enough. This is the root cause of this action.
Normally, impulsive behavior goes away by the age of 6–7 years, since by this age volition and self-control are formed.
But if the ability to self-control is not sufficiently formed by the beginning of school age, then the child’s behavior will differ from his peers in the inability to control his desires, increased emotionality, and restlessness. And if, in addition, there are defects in upbringing (clear concepts of what is permissible and unacceptable are not instilled), then the impulsive “take” of what one wants can become entrenched in the child’s behavior. Such a child, as a rule, does not understand the consequences of his action. And this situation is already more serious. Here adults will have to work hard to correct it.
Therefore, from an early age it is important to teach a child what is good and what is bad, to instill in him the concepts of good and evil, to explain how to and how not to behave with people - both using the example of your own behavior and examples from fairy tales, poems, life stories.
Talk to a psychologist
If you notice that your teen still can't stop stealing, you should probably seek help from a family therapist. Some teens commit crimes due to psychological issues that will require therapy, either with you or on an individual level. Don't let stealing become a habit because it can lead to very serious consequences and destroy the child's moral fiber. It's also worth considering that some teenagers develop kleptomania, a rare compulsive disorder in which a person feels anxious or tense before committing a crime, and then feels relieved and happy afterwards. If you suspect your teen may have this disorder, you should discuss this with a therapist. It will be difficult to solve the problem on your own.
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What you should never do
Correct behavior tactics are the key to successful dialogue with a child. A thoughtless punishment can once and for all deprive you of the authority and trust of your son or daughter.
- Do not arrange a public debriefing of the flight, especially if the child committed theft for the first time.
- Do not label, do not call the child a criminal, a thief, do not paint gloomy pictures of the prison future.
- Don’t say phrases like “We didn’t raise you for this,” “There are no thieves in our family,” “I didn’t expect this from you.”
- Do not compare your child with other children, famous criminals, negative characters, do not give examples from family history, for example, “You are just like your grandfather, who served 25 years.”
- Do not pester with constant reproaches and reminders of the offense committed.
- Do not discuss the situation with strangers and family members in the presence of the child, savoring the details and thereby humiliating him.
- Don't bring up past misdeeds while scolding them for what just happened.
No matter how impudently a child behaves, he is still afraid and expects punishment, so the listed negative statements will be received with hostility. It will be like in the famous joke - “I behave the way you called me, what don’t you like?” If you choose the right tactics, he will listen, and then you will have a conversation from which he will draw conclusions.
Let him know that this is unacceptable
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You need to make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate theft in your home, and clearly communicate to him the consequences of stealing in the future. If this happens again, be sure to implement the consequences you promised him. However, do not forget about the presumption of innocence, so do not rummage through your child’s things until you have clear evidence that he has started stealing again.
