Every day we have to come into contact with a lot of people. At work, in a store, on public transport, and just on the street, we encounter not only acquaintances, but also complete strangers. Have you noticed how annoying it is when a stranger is too close? What if there are a lot of such people, for example, in the elevator, in line at the ticket office, in the subway? Then irritation can develop into barely restrained aggression. This is how we react to a violation of our personal space - that zone where only the closest people are allowed, and even then not always.
Why Others May React Poorly When We Set Our Personal Boundaries
Let's start with the fact that everyone has the right to have their own personal space and protect it as they see fit. And everyone has the right to set personal boundaries that are comfortable for them, even if other people don’t like it.
Another question:
- Does a person confuse someone else's personal space with his own? After all, if a person considers something to be his own that is actually someone else’s, and tries to dispose of it. That is why other people react negatively to his attempts to protect “their” borders.
- Are you also ready to respect other people’s rights to their personal boundaries? After all, sometimes it happens that we desperately want our personal boundaries to be respected, but at the same time we ourselves do not particularly respect the boundaries of others.
- And is he ready to accept the right of other people to move away from him if his boundaries are uncomfortable for them, does this suit him? After all, any person can have very strict boundaries and not let anyone near them. But at the same time, he gets upset and wonders why other people don’t stay close to him.
That is, when we set our personal boundaries in such a way that we feel comfortable, we must be prepared that not all people will be able to accept our boundaries. And accept the way we install them.
Some people themselves do not know how and do not allow themselves to protect their boundaries. And when they see others doing this, it makes them very angry. And therefore they can behave aggressively in response, devalue them, convince them that they are wrong in what they are doing. But essentially it is envy. That is, they may be jealous that other people allow themselves to do things that they do not allow themselves to do.
We are always bombarded when we see that people allow themselves to do things that we do not allow ourselves to do, but want to do.
Also, our personal boundary can hit other people in their “sore spot”. For example, you refuse a friend to meet her. And your friend sees this as you rejecting her. Because her mother, as a child, also often did not want to spend time with her, she felt rejected, and she developed trauma. And so when you rejected your friend, it activated her trauma and she developed very painful feelings. And as a result, your friend stopped communicating with you.
And in this case, you may think that she was reacting to the fact that you set a boundary, i.e. told her no. But in reality, your friend reacted differently.
Also, if, for example, you used to allow close people to violate your boundaries, but at some point you stopped doing this, then your loved ones may react very negatively to this. Because your behavior is unusual for them. After all, they are used to the fact that you do not protect your borders, but they did not have time to get used to the fact that you are now doing this.
There are many more possible reasons why people may react negatively to our attempts to set personal boundaries. And someone else’s unpleasant reaction in response can greatly frighten or hurt us, especially when we are just learning to defend our borders and have not yet “gotten strong” in this.
However, this is not a reason to give up trying to set your personal boundaries. Instead, you can try looking for another way that will allow you to protect your boundary while maintaining the relationships that are important to you. If this is possible, of course.
Unasked for help is violence
If a person does not ask for help, but they try to “inflict” this help on him, then it always ends badly. In this case, the person who is trying to help declares: you can’t cope, you don’t control the situation, you are small, infantile, incapable - but I will do it for you. That is, through such “help” a person is given an assessment of his failure in this particular matter.
On the other hand, in our culture it is not customary for you to be alone when you are having a hard time. Friends and relatives should come to the rescue. And in order to demand “non-infliction” of good on oneself, it is necessary to explain to people that help must be in demand.
There is such a cartoon “Oh and Ah”. One hero, Ah, is lively, runs around, does something all the time. Another guy named Oh has classic depression. Ah makes him chop wood, clean, and does good. You can't do that. It turns out that they didn’t help Okh, but pointed his nose at his inability to live in such a state. Even if Oh makes an effort, in a week it will be covered with dirt again, and will not be combed or washed. This is a purely physical invasion of space, because in order for something to change, a significant person who still has access to such an Oh must say: “Do you need help? Do you want to change something? Let’s talk about this,” and thereby activate a person to put things in order in his life. How will he do this? When answering this question, Okh can already be offered help.
Sometimes our older, intelligent people start stress-interviewing people, especially young women: “Why are you not married? Why don't you have children? This is also a drastic invasion of personal space. And quite a serious problem. You need to teach and learn not to ask intimate questions, because this is a violation of boundaries.
Kinds
What are a person’s personal boundaries? Psychologists divide them into two main types:
- Weak. Such boundaries can be easily violated. Moreover, they are encroached upon by both well-known people and strangers. If a person cannot convey to the interlocutor how he should be treated, then the opponent will act as he sees fit. Weak personal boundaries are characteristic of weak people with low self-esteem and a depressed sense of will. Such persons will not defend their rights, and will always stay away from anything serious, considering themselves simply unworthy of any feats. Such people are kind-hearted and love to help others. A person with weak personal boundaries will engage in charity, and will agree to give away his last things to please another, more needy person.
- Strong boundaries. Persons who can stand up for themselves and will not give others the opportunity to infringe on their interests will build invisible walls around themselves, which will be difficult for not only a stranger, but even a well-known person to break through. From the outside, such individuals may seem too cold and unyielding. Their self-confidence and leadership qualities are visible to the naked eye. If someone decides to encroach on a person’s personal boundaries, then this someone will receive a rebuff and will no longer want to encroach on what the person so fiercely guards. Some may think that such people are lonely. But there is nothing like this in their life. People simply demand respect not only at work, but also at home. All household members know the limit of a person’s patience and will not cross it. Children who grow up in the family of a person who knows the boundaries of what is permitted will unconsciously adopt such a system of protecting their personality.
One step, two steps
How do you know if you have accidentally crossed the personal territory of a stranger? First of all, you need to decide on your relationship. Based on this, it will not be difficult to find out how closely you can communicate so as not to cause discomfort to your interlocutor. There is such a thing as a personal space zone. Psychologists distinguish four types of it: intimate, personal, social, public.
- The intimate zone is the smallest, but at the same time the most important. It ranges from approximately 15 to 45 centimeters. Only the closest people can join it: parents, children, close friends, pets.
- The personal area is also quite small, dedicated specifically for friends and acquaintances. It includes the distance at which we are comfortable being ready to be at parties or meeting with friends. This is approximately half a meter to 1.22 meters.
- The social zone is reserved for strangers or unfamiliar people with whom we have not yet had contact. It ranges from approximately 1.22 to 3.6 meters.
- The public area is ideal for performing in front of a large group of people. It is very popular among lecturers or presenters of various events and is more than 3.6 meters.
That is, if you come to a concert, you should not hug your idol. But at a party it’s quite possible to sit next to friends.
What does the personal reserve area include?
The personal zone is, first of all, the body . When someone else gets too close to you, your brain signals: “Attention, maximum danger!” The signal is amplified when it comes to touch.
The next most important component of individual comfort is the territory that you regard as your own and safe. It can be not only an apartment, but also a temporary place in the sun - for example, a bunk in a train carriage.
Imagine that you are traveling on the bottom bunk, have already laid out your laundry, and suddenly another passenger enters the compartment. How will you feel when he sits next to you, occupying half of the already inhabited bed? Exactly.
An interesting case is personal space at work. In a cramped shared office, everyone defends their desk to the best of their ability. The traditional way to mark a place is to use markers. I don’t mean a variety of stationery, but any atypical little things - framed family photographs, decorative figures, original pencil holders.
Personal items that are especially - whether on an office desk or at home - play the role of an independent component of a private zone. These things are especially common:
- souvenirs that remind you of something important;
- jewelry (they are perceived almost as part of one’s appearance);
- objects that provide familiar everyday pleasures - a favorite chair, your own mug;
- knife, gun and other means of self-defense.
Inviolable values also include purely psychological phenomena - attitudes, habits, tastes .
Let's say a child who is forced to eat his unloved rice porridge instead of his favorite oatmeal feels deeply hurt. His sensations will be similar to those that arise in an adult in response to a familiar pat on the shoulder.
How to maintain personal space
A person’s personal space is his inviolable intimate zone, which should not be invaded without permission. You should definitely take into account the individual boundaries of your partner, friends and acquaintances. Only then will they respect your personal space. Unfortunately, people are not always distinguished by tact and restraint. Some people like to interfere in the lives of relatives, close people and acquaintances, completely not understanding that they have no right to do this. How to preserve personal space from unpleasant encroachments and not spoil relationships with others?
Respect for your partner's freedom
If you want to be respected, start with yourself. Many people do not think about this simple pattern and do not take it seriously. Meanwhile, you will be treated exactly the way you begin to show yourself towards others. There is an unwritten rule in relationships: as much as we are attentive to others, so are they to us. Try not to violate the personal space of your loved one, friends, parents, or work colleagues. Any manipulation or play on feelings in order to obtain a certain benefit is unacceptable. Otherwise, the relationship will deteriorate very quickly and come to naught. Remember that your soulmate is not your property, which can be subjugated to your will, but a separate free person with his own individual inner world.
Separate room
It is best if each family member has a separate territory. The situation when parents and children live in the same room and constantly violate each other’s personal space, unfortunately, is not uncommon. The inability to live separately, an unstable financial situation, other problems in the family - all this leads to protracted conflicts, the desire to gain greater freedom, to break away from the influence of beloved relatives. Any anxiety can make the situation worse. Multiple misunderstandings begin in the relationship. To prevent this from happening, ideally each family member should have a separate room. This is an area where no one can enter without first knocking. Creating personal space helps to reveal inner potential, create a sense of harmony and overall satisfaction with life. A happy person will not conflict with others.
Favourite buisness
Having a hobby or passion significantly transforms a person’s inner world and forces him to open up emotionally. Doing what you love promotes rapid personal growth and starts the process of self-improvement. Having personal space, you can easily engage in creativity and promote your talent. Doing something you love gives you a lot of positive emotions, helps release a powerful charge of internal energy, and generates enthusiasm. Anyone who is busy with a truly interesting job does not get bored on vacation, does not fall into melancholy and depression for any reason. A person who has found his niche can be called truly happy and self-sufficient. Gradually, confidence in oneself and the future comes, sympathy and trust appear in relationships with others.
Individual point of view
Having your own view of the world is as important as fighting for your dream. An individual point of view allows an individual not to bend to the opinion of the majority, to avoid overly adapting to circumstances
Even if your judgment is completely different from the thoughts of the team or family, do not be upset. There is no need to hide or withdraw into yourself. Remember that you have the right to your own opinion and self-realization.
Thus, personal space is not a whim, not a luxury, but a necessity. It is individual boundaries that help an individual become wealthy and independent from others, and find their own unique path.
What to do?
Personal rules
- First of all, write a list of the rules you live by. Then carefully review each point. Are you satisfied with everything? It’s clear, since you live like this, you’re most likely happy with it, but the question is a little different: what exactly causes the feeling of tension, irritation or confusion? Then think about how you can defend yourself by slightly transforming these rules.
- The next time you are communicating with someone and notice that something is wrong, take a break, for example, when you go to the toilet, and think about what exactly affected you, that you reacted with anger, resentment, etc. When you understand, add another limiter to the list of rules.
- Remember the situations when you felt discomfort, write them down and come up with your own stop word for each. Because, in the so-called “field conditions”, when you have not yet particularly learned to defend yourself, you may get confused and not react properly. But when you have a reaction template prepared in advance, then at first it will be much easier to cope with the manipulations of others.
Let's say your family is trying to influence you to do something as they see fit. You can stock up on the following phrase: “Thank you for taking care of me, but I know what I should do.”
Or on weekends, not only don’t do work, but also don’t talk about it with loved ones. Saturday-Sunday are days dedicated to family. After 22:00 do not answer calls. It's time to relax. Then they will stop bothering you over trifles, knowing that the phone is turned off. Do not talk about politics, as it leads to conflicts that you are tired of. In general, is the meaning clear? Thanks to your own rules, you can protect yourself from the unnecessary stress that every intrusion into your space is sure to cause.
Feelings
- Learn to talk about your feelings. First, study what they are, because in fact, there are a lot of them. Then, if you feel discomfort and pressure, talk about it. Then you will be yourself. When you don’t do this, it’s certainly scary. Even if boundaries have always been broken, it is never too late to start building them.
- Even if a loved one asks you for something, and when you agree, you feel tension – this is already a violation of your personal zone. Be attentive to your feelings. The article “The best techniques and phrases for politely refusing a person’s services” will help you learn to protect yourself from manipulation.
Contact zones
- When in public places, try to study your zones, at what distance do you feel comfortable letting different people in? And then you will be able to regulate your state by moving away or approaching intentionally. And next time it will be clearer where anxiety or irritation during communication comes from, and how to cope with it.
- Do not forget that other people also have the right to be separate, and if you want your preferences or prohibitions to be taken into account, you should not react with offense when encountering the restrictions of even a very close person. For example, there is a stereotype that men are strong and can cope with any problems for the sake of the woman they love, even working without rest. But, like any person, the opportunity to relax and recover is vital. And everyone does it in their own way. Some are fishing, some are crocheting, or just looking at the ceiling. Therefore, it is necessary to allow him to “take off his armor” and approach himself in a way that is comfortable for him.
The value of inner peace
To make it easier to defend yourself, imagine that a person covered in dirt is trying to get into your favorite house, car or office, in general, a place you love, saying that he will come in for just a couple of minutes. And you look at it and understand that then it will take a very long time to clean and wash everything after it. What will you do? Most likely, ask to leave, and they will return clean. Right?
You won’t be ashamed to say that dirt drips from it onto your clean floor or rug? Why then do you treat your soul differently? Why do you allow it to get dirty and leave marks that cannot be washed off?
Almost any invasion can be anticipated by taking care of yourself in advance. As I said before, it is stupid to leave the front door open at night and hope that no one dares to trespass on someone else's property.
Don't want to solve work issues in your free time? Do not answer calls if you see that they are dialing from the office. Are you angry that your friends keep waking you up in the middle of the night? Turn off the sound and the problem is solved. No one is obliged to care about your comfort. This is only your responsibility. And if it is violated all the time, think about why you allow it and how exactly.
Attention, proximity
No matter how paradoxical it may be, personal space is most often violated by the closest people: relatives, friends, loved ones. And we forgive them for this and sometimes even encourage them, for example, during sexual contact.
But the invasion of our intimate zone by strangers - in addition to emotional rejection - also causes physiological changes in the body. The heart begins to beat faster, adrenaline goes off scale, and blood flows into the muscles and brain in a powerful flow. That is, despite our will, the body prepares for a potential fight or flight. Therefore, you should not hug or touch people you don’t know, even if you really like them. These actions can make them feel negative towards you. The conclusion suggests itself: when communicating, you should always keep your distance.
What does invasion of personal space lead to?
The author of a number of widely cited articles on the psychological space, S.K. Nartova-Bochaver, writes that her research was prompted by her experience working at the advisory center of the Childhood Research Institute of the Russian Children's Fund: “It was noticed that cases of aggressive behavior, vandalism, home and school theft of children and adolescents often occurred in situations where the child’s need for personal living space was infringed (deprived) from the very beginning of his life or as a result of stressful events for the child (for example, the appearance of a stepfather in the family)” (S. K. Nartova-Bochaver, “The concept of “psychological space of the individual” and its heuristic capabilities”, “Psychological Science and Education”, No. 1, 2002).
The more the child suffered from the intrusions of elders into his personal affairs - from the non-recognition of personal ownership of things and toys, from the inability to hide diary entries, etc. - the more sharp his response turned out to be.
To express the idea generally, it was expressed in the development of a “communal psyche” - an unwillingness to recognize the personal space of other people and the desire to aggressively expand one’s own comfort zone.
Constant violation of an adult’s personal space also leads to very obvious results.
In the article “Privacy Theory as a Direction in Foreign Psychology” (“Psychological Journal”, Vol. 27, No. 5, 2006, S.K. Nartova-Bochaver) describes the experiment of A. J. DeLong.
DeLong observed the lives of nursing home clients. At first, older people used common rooms. They tried to strictly define their area - they placed things on stools and window sills. Pensioners were not very willing to communicate with each other and often showed signs of aggression.
Then the clients of the institution were provided with separate rooms. Their behavior changed dramatically. They became more open and friendly towards their neighbors, and stopped “marking” areas of the room with unnecessary things.
This concerns systematic incursions into the comfort zone.
Self-protection during accidental close contacts
From time to time, each of us has to let strangers into our space - use buses during rush hour, enter the elevators of shopping centers.
In the book “Body Language Bible” (Eksmo, Moscow, 2010), D. Morris explains:
While the situation is favorable, participants in casual close contact strive to “put on blinders”:
- block the side view with your palm;
- cross your legs and arms;
- concentrate on the book;
- turn on the player.
I note that the feeling of rejection is not caused by any crowd, but only by a random one. Being among many people who have something in common, we do not get irritated, moreover, we experience pleasure.
A living example from the author of www.samorazwitie.ru. I went to the Philharmonic. Before the concert, my seat neighbors annoyed me - they loudly discussed their business and took pictures. The woman on the right leaned on the arm of the chair... As soon as the concert began, I felt that those around me were attractive. We had a common occupation, we became “our own people.”
Shamelessness in dialogue
The consequences of invading a personal zone when communicating with an individual interlocutor are not easy to predict - to do this you need to truly understand the person.
When meeting someone - I already wrote about this here - ignoring boundaries will most likely be perceived as rudeness (unless, of course, we are talking about flirting against the backdrop of a sudden outbreak of mutual sympathy).
When communicating with someone you already know, violating personal space can have a double effect. The interlocutor will either move away or regard the rapprochement as a generally pleasant sign of a transition to a new level of trust. A third scenario is also possible: the interlocutor will be confused, thinking that you are trying to dominate.
What determines the size of the so-called boundaries?
The size of the boundaries depends on the density and size of our biofield. Density in this case has priority.
If the field is dense, then there is good protection; if the field is “broken,” then there is no such protection.
What is protection needed from?
From the energies emitted by another person, from his thoughts charged with negativity, from his experiences.
If there is no protection, then his energy calmly penetrates our field and begins to rule there.
I would like to note one thing: if a person does not have any negative vibrations of his own, then strangers will not be able to have a strong influence.
In this case, “like attracts like” works. If the thinking style is more negative and a person expects troubles in his life, then they come.
Although, as a person himself, it seems that if he thinks about any troubles, it is only for the purpose of prevention.
But the universe takes everything literally - you thought about nasty things - you get nasty things!
But back to boundaries, do you need to somehow increase your boundaries?
In my opinion, it is a must!
Your own self-respect, dignity - all these feelings about yourself increase the boundaries of your own personal space.
People who have less of it will “compress” even more in order to increase the density of their field. This means that your influence on other people will be more significant.
The most important thing is to use it for good!
I look forward to your feedback, what do you think about your own personal space boundaries?
Personal space of a person relationship distance
This category studies the physical openness of the individual, i.e. the real spatial readiness of a person to allow another person into his presence. It is directly influenced by factors:
- The closeness of these people's relationships
- Their gender and age definitions
- Cultural and ethnic affiliation
- Social status and lifestyle
Researchers have noted the following “parameters” for designing the dimensions of a person’s personal space (interesting facts have also been discovered using animals as an example), namely:
The communication distance of males is greater than that of females (explained in the level and degree of dominance or aggression)
In reality, even in different cultures, similar trends can be observed in humans - the communication distance for women is reduced compared to that of men, communication in pairs occurs a little further than for women, but closer than for men. Children violate this pattern due to their age-related curiosity.
The distance of communication and personal space changes according to the age of the individual
So, an infant is inseparable from his mother, so it turns out that he does not have any personal space at all. He begins to defend his privacy by the age of 3-4 years. The factor of gender is added here - already by the age of 8-9 the individual’s claims to his own space begin (boys have more). This trend continues until the age of 16 or until the age of full socialization of a person.
Cultural and ethnic gradations of privacy
This is an obvious fact of the difference in the “normalization” of communication distance in different cultures. For example, the same E. Hall divided all world cultures according to the principle of contact (contact or non-contact). Thus, in contact cultures there is a reduced distance between the participants in communication, high tactility is acceptable (they can touch each other) and emotional connection (look into the eyes, etc.). However, further experiments showed a certain inconsistency of such a division.
Personal space can be normalized not only by culture, but also by a person’s subculture
For example, an urban subculture “requires” less space than a rural one, a youth subculture also requires less space than an elite one, etc.
How far do the boundaries of comfort extend?
The boundaries of the personal zone are difficult to standardize.
It is possible to more or less clearly indicate only the minimal territorial claims of a representative of homo sapiens. It is believed that a comfortable distance of personal space is on average 50-60 cm . How much does it amount to directly for you or, say, for me? Don't know.
It is possible to reflect on the limits of one’s own closedness only after the fact of a problematic situation, and the identified pattern will turn out to be very approximate. The circumstances of contact will change - the personal zone will shrink or, conversely, expand.
V. Burkova and M. Butovskaya in the article “Personal space and aggressive behavior in Russian adolescents: ethological analysis” (“Personality Development”, No. 3, 2008) say:
Spatial behavior is also influenced by such parameters as personal characteristics, characteristics of the situation and the size of the room. Thus, persons with high self-esteem usually communicate at a closer distance than persons with low self-esteem. Under the influence of stress or when discussing some unpleasant topic, an increase in communication distance is also observed. The distance between individuals increases with decreasing size of the room; with increasing size, on the contrary, it decreases.
The zone of personal space changes even depending on the position of the body: a sitting person, unlike a standing person, tries to reserve a distance between himself and the interlocutor.
There are, however, parameters whose effect can actually be predicted. The already mentioned V. Burkova and M. Butovskaya write about the role of gender:
The minimum distance is observed between two women, the average - in a mixed couple, the maximum - between two men. The distance between a man and a woman is determined by the degree of closeness of their relationship.
Another predictable factor is belonging to a certain nationality . American anthropologist E. Hall was one of the first to divide cultures into “contact” and “non-contact”. His hypothesis was supported by other researchers - if you wish, you will find many intelligent works on this topic. The data presented in them, however, is unlikely to seem sensational to you.
Temperamental Italians consider frequent touching of their interlocutor as the norm; for a reserved Englishman, personal territory is the holy of holies, etc.
The traditions of not only the country, but also the individual family play a role . I. Altman (see books I. Altman, “The environment and social behavior. Privacy, personal space, crowding”, 1975; I. Altman, PA. Nelson, “The Ecology of Home Environments. Wash.”, 1972, etc. .) organized a detailed survey about people’s behavior at home - the questionnaire included 330 questions. After analyzing the data, the scientist identified two types of families:
- A - preferring a socially active communication style. They do not strive to strictly divide the territory and keep interior doors open, they like to do household chores together and discuss news, they willingly receive guests and go to visit themselves;
- B—supporting permanent boundaries. Each member of such a family has his own place in the apartment and his own set of roles. Doors often remain closed. Strangers are rarely in the house.
Type A families are more common in villages and towns, type B - in cities.
What are personal boundaries and why do people need them?
Personal boundaries are a conditional concept that denotes a certain line between the worldview of an individual and the attitudes and intentions of the people around her. Some build five-meter stone fences with guards on towers, while others have no boundaries at all.
How many people do you know who protect their inner world from intrusion by outsiders? Are you one yourself?
Think about whether you always do what you want or are you trying to please someone?! Do you make decisions yourself in certain situations that concern you, or do you rely on the opinions of strangers? In general, how often do you say “YES”, while at the same time feeling the desire to refuse? If you have friends who use you as a “drain barrel” and they don’t care if you are interested in their information?
If all of the above is normal and commonplace in your life, then this is clearly a gross violation of personal boundaries.
What do you pay for lack of personal boundaries? First of all, your mental balance is disturbed. A person experiences constant discomfort, his mood deteriorates and there is a feeling as if all his strength has left you.
First of all, a colossal amount of energy is spent on maintaining relationships with others. You allow yourself to be manipulated, and you don’t like it, but you remain silent. For example, you work for someone. It is unlikely that you will experience love and satisfaction; rather, you will realize that you are being taken advantage of.
Some people believe that this only happens to those who have a bad environment. Allegedly, a good friend will not use it for personal gain. This is a deep misconception. Your personal boundary is only your task, and you need to learn how to build it. Otherwise, people will sit on your neck.
Personal comfort zone and its specifics
We all live in a society and we have to constantly interact with people. It is for this reason that each of us needs a certain space where we can always be alone with ourselves, where we will feel calm and as free as possible, where we will not be disturbed, where we will be free from other people’s manipulations. This space is called the personal comfort zone, and it is a prerequisite for a harmonious life and the natural functioning of the psyche of any person.
Have you ever felt uncomfortable in a crowd of people? Have you ever felt irritated when someone came very close to you? Have you ever felt unpleasant when someone took one of your things or, for example, occupied your workplace or favorite chair at home?
We think that most people are familiar with such situations. And if you have noticed this in yourself, you should know that all this is completely natural, because the desire to maintain distance and protect your personal space is inherent in human nature itself.
At an unconscious level, we strive to protect our Self from any intrusions, and what matters to us, for example, clothes, a telephone, a computer or a car, is always perceived by us as a component of our individuality, which no one has the right to encroach on.
The willingness to share one’s comfort zone with other people always depends on a person’s lifestyle and social status. We have some interesting data on this topic: employees of the Research Center for Psychoanalysis at Moscow State University conducted research, which revealed that the personal space of Muscovites is 5 times less than that of residents of provincial cities.
Psychologist Maya Lagutina says that residents of big cities have to pay for comfort with peace of mind. Not everyone is able to calmly accept systematic violations of their comfort zone, which is why many begin to psychologically distance themselves from the people around them.
People with different living conditions also have certain peculiarities in the perception of personal space. For example, the personal space of people living in communal apartments is so small that they have virtually no understanding of what this space can even be. Such people are very comfortable standing in the same queues or riding on buses, and crowds of people are almost a guarantee of security for them.
Different peoples perceive space differently. For example, for Europeans the intimate zone is about 25 cm, for Americans it is 50 cm, and representatives of eastern nations can comfortably communicate with strangers at such a distance, which is completely unacceptable for Europeans, including residents of Russia. These differences, by the way, often cause misunderstandings and even conflict situations between people of different nationalities.
However, let's move away from statistics and talk more substantively about what the boundaries of personal space exist, because this is very important for understanding the psychology of protecting your personal comfort zone. But first, take a few minutes to watch this short video where an etiquette expert talks about personal space.
How to assert your personal boundaries
What to do about this, and who is to blame? No one is to blame for this, let's replace the word “guilt” with the word “responsibility” and start with ourselves... Maybe it’s time to start independent development and self-knowledge? By studying, changing, improving ourselves and our ideas about the world, we can change the world for the better and see its possibilities differently, from a new height, in a new quality. See in such detail that the reasons for such violations of personal boundaries will become transparent and obvious, and, therefore, methods for solving these problems will no longer be difficult.
It all starts with elementary child and developmental psychology: our parents and close circle teach us how to learn to identify our personal boundaries. At the stage of separation from parents, the child gradually gains independence and learns to take the first steps, balance his wants and cans, balance between can and musts, monitor the consequences of certain actions and gain his own unique experience.
What if your parents didn't have enough experience to teach you how to properly set personal boundaries? What if you were overprotected and/or not given enough support and care to make you feel confident enough to successfully navigate these developmental milestones? Then, from childhood, you will get used to depending on others, and what you will be inherited as a family experience growing up will contain “codes of parental trauma.” This is usually what happens, which is why they say “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Most of your actions in adulthood also remain dependent on the outside world, and similar to the dependencies and habits of your parents.
This happens until you yourself have learned to work correctly with personal boundaries.
Creating personal boundaries, aligning personal boundaries, protecting personal boundaries are elements of interaction and communication with the outside world. Understanding the principles of the world order, its energetic foundations and cosmic laws gives you a chance to see what is happening impartially and get out of the vicious circle of “template reactions” and techniques of “normal” communication to the level of real freedom of action and independence from external attempts to manipulate your borders.
Psychological methods of protection are only the first step towards studying and correctly forming a person’s personal boundaries, and at the next stage the formation of energy boundaries begins, personal strength is acquired, and the individual characteristics of your Soul evolution are clarified, which are decisive for interaction with the world of energies. All the diversity of your painful experience of violations of personal boundaries, as a rule, has its own energy-informational reasons, which are hidden in the subconscious and/or blocked in the body. We will study various practices and methods of understanding the mechanisms of functioning of the psychological and energetic foundations of the formation of personal boundaries in a new lesson on the development of awareness.
