Child abuse: why do parents do it?

About 60% of Russians, according to the survey, consider it possible to physically punish children for disobedience. But there are more and more mothers and fathers who are horrified by their own screaming and spanking - and want to stop treating their babies this way. What should they do - go to a psychologist? A mother of three children, who was able to stop herself and her husband from yelling at their children, offers another option.

I was the perfect mother. I didn't have children yet. I thought that I would never raise my voice, much less raise my hand to a child. After all, I have studied child psychology so much and know exactly all the possible consequences. Never! Never!

But after a couple of years my dreams collapsed. Day after day I suffered a pedagogical fiasco. The sons did not listen. Not the first time, not the tenth. At first they could be brought to their senses by my scream. Then it stopped working. I started to lash out at the spankings.

But after hitting the child a couple of times, I realized that this did not help at all. It soon began to seem that the boys were deliberately trying to get up, waiting with trepidation for their mother to turn into a hysterical woman.

The same thing happened to my husband. At some point, I noticed that he, in principle, did not speak to children in a calm voice. Only in a raised tone and in a commanding tone. And he raised his hand.

If it helped in education - no question! But the situation became increasingly uncontrollable. Uncontrollable parents and uncontrollable children.

“I feel like I’m not just a monster, but a monster, I’m becoming disgusted with myself, but, honestly, I’m trying to fight this, little by little I’m succeeding, and I really hope that I can cope! By the way, what made me struggle intensely with myself was the frightened eyes of a child, in which I recognized myself as a child, when my mother punished me. And the reasons for my breakdowns are absolutely petty, and there is no need to react to them like that! In general, you don’t want to ruin your baby’s psyche and feel like a monster! I want to live in absolute love and harmony.”

“Honestly, I can yell and beat you up. Then I feel so ashamed and my heart clench that I want to cry (and I do).”

“Yelling, yes... Then I feel ashamed and ask my daughter for forgiveness - I don’t know if this is right or wrong, but I want to and I ask, she hugs me and says that she forgives. That's how we live".

Reasons why parents hit their children

Tradition

Many parents take the Russian proverb “Teach a child while he lies across the bench and stretches out lengthwise - it’s too late to teach.” To teach means to flog. Perhaps people are confused by the mention of a child lying on a bench. How can you teach someone lying on a bench? On his butt, on his ass! Indeed, in Russia, flogging occupied an honorable place in the education system - birch porridge (rods) was fed to children in peasant families, merchant families, and noble families. Often not even for a specific offense, but for preventive purposes. Let's say that in the house of some merchant Erepenin, the sons were flogged on Fridays - throughout the whole week, probably, there would be something for it. In fact, the meaning of this proverb is that you need to raise a child while he is small. When he grows up, it will be too late, that is, it will be useless, to educate him. But the choice of methods of education is the responsibility of the parent. Until now, many parents do not understand how they can avoid beating their children. Not hitting means spoiling (also folk “wisdom”). So they beat without hesitation, often without even malice, but only wanting to fulfill their parental duty. They also hang the belt on a nail as a reminder of retribution for pranks. By the way, flogging children for educational purposes was accepted not only in Russia, but also in enlightened Europe. But this practice was condemned long ago, and in general, it’s the 21st century. It's time to use new technologies!

Heredity

They beat me, and I beat my children. A very common reason is that violence begets violence. Such people take out their resentment against their parents on their children. Or they simply don’t imagine that it is possible otherwise. When you tell them that you can’t beat a child, they answer: “They beat us, and that’s okay, we grew up no worse than others, and maybe better. None of us are drug addicts or thiefs.” Therefore, take pity on your future grandchildren today - do not beat your offspring so mercilessly.

Poor vocabulary

Many parents grab the belt like a life preserver. Their vocabulary is so poor, their thoughts are so short that they don’t cling to each other - the gears in the brain don’t turn, the thought process stalls. Where can we explain to children why they can’t do this? It's easier to give a belt. Sometimes a person himself admits (at least in his heart) that in order to talk with a child he lacks some basic knowledge and simple thinking skills. Then he needs to make an effort on himself and engage in self-education. Well, at least consult with colleagues who have children of the same age, read magazines for parents. You'll see that your vocabulary will be enriched and it will become easier to talk with children. If the parent is completely stupid and at the same time angry, he will continue to beat him.

Feeling of insignificance

Sometimes your own child is the only person who, roughly speaking, can be punched in the face. For example, a man of about forty is a coward by nature, and at the same time a terrible bore and pedant. There are not enough stars in the sky, he has not made a career, but for some reason he is convinced that life is unfair to him. At work, he despises his boss, but does not dare tell him about it, and is forced to silently obey. He is untenable in bed with his wife, after every failure he gets angry with her and sulks for two days. I don’t get along well with my colleagues either, I have no friends. No one is afraid of him, no one respects him. And here is a ten-year-old son - he didn’t wash his cup after himself, and he didn’t put his slippers in the hallway exactly parallel. The father swings - he sees fear in his son’s eyes, and hits with pleasure. And then, with the same pleasure, he listens to the babble: “Daddy, daddy, I won’t do it anymore...” The son is in his power - how not to take advantage? After all, he has no other power besides his father’s, but he wants to have it - unreasonable ambitions stifle him. In such a situation, it is best if the child’s mother finds the courage to reason with her husband. Since he is a coward, he can be intimidated by publicity (if you touch the child again, I’ll tell all your relatives and call you at work), divorce. The mother must show her strength and actively stand up for the child. After all, the reasons for beating for this type of father are usually petty and even ridiculous. If such a dad is given free rein, he will turn from a bore into a domestic tyrant. Then at least run from home.

Sexual dissatisfaction

There are people who cannot achieve sexual satisfaction in the “usual way”. For example, some married couples must quarrel before intimacy in order to later experience the sweetness of reconciliation and make the sensations more acute. They especially love to organize this circus in public. Let's say they come to visit friends - at first everything is fine. By the end of the evening, they sit in different corners, first they squabble, then she dances with someone else’s husband, he nervously smokes, drinks too much, and goes outside. He’s gone for half an hour – she’s calm, even happy. An hour later he begins to get nervous and asks his friends to “bring Seryoga back.” Then everything goes according to the long-known scenario. The friends, swearing and grumbling, catch a taxi and go to the station, where Seryoga sits in the waiting room - waiting for them (although he says that he is going to leave wherever his eyes look, as long as he is away from his wife). They try to persuade him, then they simply force him into the car and bring him to his wife. She is all in tears, throws herself on her husband’s neck, and the happy lovebirds’ friends in the same taxi send them home – to their bed as quickly as possible. And so every time they gather in company. Everyone laughs at them, everyone is tired of them, but this is their carrot-like love. It is much worse if a child turns out to be the “pathogen”. For example, a mother is itching in the morning, she finds a reason, yells at her seven-year-old daughter, starts hitting her, and this gets her going. When he reaches the desired condition, he stops hitting. After this, he immediately sits the girl on his lap and presses her to her chest. She simply experiences sensual pleasure when she hugs and takes pity on her beaten daughter. Such parents certainly need the help of a specialist. Only they don’t want to address this issue until they completely kill the child.

Why do adults use force?

The point is not in the behavior of the little person, but in the inability of an adult to get out of the situation with dignity.

Physical violence, even harmless pokes, slaps on the butt, slaps on the head, indicate one thing - mom or dad don’t know that they can behave differently, they don’t want or are unable to change their behavior.

Why do adults want to beat a child:

They came home from work tired, irritated, and their bored child bombarded them with questions: when will we read, when will we play? From explanations you quickly break into a scream.
They apply the principle “everyone was beaten in childhood, me too, and so will I.”
They want to show who dominates the family.
They believe that beating children is the most effective way to educate. This way the child will quickly understand what can be done and what cannot be done. He will grow up well-mannered and hardworking.
They take out the irritation accumulated during the day. You can't often hit an offender, but you can hit a little person.

Also, many women make shocking confessions like “I want to beat him because he reminds me of my departed husband.” And the baby is beaten because the mother is mentally ill.

Behind all these reasons there are problems in the adult’s head, which he is not able to immediately resolve, often without even realizing their existence. To clarify the situation, it is necessary to clearly understand that in any case you can do without physical violence against the baby.

There are calm, safe parenting methods.

If you want to know how to stop yelling at your child and spanking him, then first of all keep yourself busy with interesting things. You will become calmer, and the children will feel it themselves. Let it be gradual, but the result will be - the child will stop “bothering” (in your opinion), will find hobbies, will pull you into his business, and peace will reign in the family.

What result do you want?

Sometimes parents beat their children, so to speak, formally, without passion. There are no parental complexes behind this, the only goal is to force them to obey or punish for an offense. The blows are not strong and do not cause physical harm to the child. And the child is not offended by dad or mom, because he knows that he got it for the job. Did you know that children can experience pleasure from hitting? A lot has been written about this in the specialized literature. For example, the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau admitted to such feelings in his “Confession”. The governess spanked him, placing him on her lap and pulling down his panties. The touch of a palm to a naked body gave an 8-year-old child pleasure. It’s not in vain that children and lovers go! - play punishment, spanking each other (you did something wrong, I will punish you). Hitting the buttocks (with a palm, a belt, a towel) can quite arouse sensual pleasure in children, irritating the sciatic nerves. As a result, you and the child you are spanking form a sadomasochistic couple. Is this what you wanted when you started corporal punishment? One more word of caution. If you are in the habit of handing out spankings and slaps on the back of the head to children under the heat of the moment, be very careful. First, remove the rings from your hands. If you hit him on the head with a massive wedding ring, you can make the child cross-eyed. Secondly, watch where the child is - you can push awkwardly and hit a corner or a sharp object. Third, try not to hit at all. Have a conscience: you and your child are in different weight categories. He is defenseless in front of you. Killing children through negligence is a very real thing.

Mom beats me, it means she loves me

“That’s where all the sugar goes. I work and work, and she eats sugar with spoons, you bastard! May you be empty, s... brat! May this sugar make you cry tears of blood! She drank the whole life out of me!”

“Today is February 14 - Valentine's Day! I wonder if my mother ever loved me, well, even for a minute in her life? Maybe when I was just born? Maybe I didn’t annoy her then? She leaned over the crib and hooted and smiled at me, and I at her, and we were real family and even friends. And for some reason then everything went wrong..."

Moral violence

Sometimes children answer the question: “Do your parents beat you?” They answer: “It would be better if they beat me.” What can you do to a child to make him respond like that? Alas, sometimes moral violence is more dangerous for a child than physical violence. The guilty child is insulted in every possible way, forced to ask for forgiveness from his parents for a long time and humiliatingly, to write some explanations and oaths on a piece of paper. Someone doesn’t talk to a child because of a trifle, until the unfortunate child begs: “I’m sorry!” Some parents make you bow at their feet and kiss their hand. Someone strips me naked and makes me stand like that in the middle of the room, with my hands at my sides. In general, people’s imagination works, it’s pure creativity. In any case, physical impact is always moral violence, and moral bullying can cause harm to the physical and mental health of a child. Is it possible to do without punishment at all in the educational process? I think no. The main thing here is not to turn punishment into violence against the child’s personality. Let's talk about this in the next article.

Screaming in anger at a child and hitting him is contraindicated for education

To stop, use tips tested by other parents. Read carefully, think about each point. It's not scary if you recognize yourself. It’s worse if you want to leave everything as it is, continuing to get bogged down in this swamp.

Start with yourself

Can't help but scream and hit your child? There are few parents who are actually cruel and take joy in physically abusing their children. The overwhelming majority of mothers and fathers greatly regret their behavior, often cry with the offended child and ask for forgiveness.

A lot of work awaits you. Each time you will overcome the temptation to solve the problem of disobedience in a quick, familiar way. But over time, you will feel that the abolition of physical violence evens out the situation, makes children understanding, obedient, and establishes peace in the family.

What is needed for this?

Stop telling the little person how to behave. This doesn't work. He resists you, you attack him with pokes and slaps.

Show by your behavior what needs to be done. After all, children are our reflection.

Are you teaching order? Do you put all your things in their place?

Children don't let you rest after a working day? Do you do this when they come home from school or kindergarten? Or do you load them with things to do so that they are constantly busy, don’t play on the phone, don’t ask you to solve a problem?

In any situation, look at yourself and ask one question: how do I act in the same circumstances? You feel offended if your own child attacks you with fists, trying to take something by force. Why do you show that only physical violence produces results?

How to behave correctly during a conflict?

You don't have to run to the ends of the earth to escape another slap in the face. What to do if your parents beat you? In order to keep the situation under control and not lead to assault, it is enough to follow a few simple rules:

Don't be left alone with a potential abuser in the heat of the moment. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. A situation in which there is a threat to your health justifies avoiding a direct confrontation with the attacker. This is not weakness or cowardice, but worldly wisdom. Lock yourself in your room, waiting for the wave of parental anger to finally subside.
Fix the problem. Didn’t wash the dishes, didn’t make the bed, didn’t write an essay with a C? What prevents you from getting rid of the cause of the conflict immediately by fulfilling parental demands? “Mommy, give me five minutes, and I’ll do everything right. I’ll clean up the room and try to rewrite the essay so that it is the best in the class,” just a few phrases of promises will help defuse the tense situation to the limit.
Ask for forgiveness. Demonstrate your willingness to accept punishment as a matter of course. Actually, this is exactly what the parent expects from you. "Sorry. Guilty."
Tell the truth. They often “knock out” sincere confessions with a belt. Punishment turns into torture. There was probably a chance to honestly tell who broke the school window, but you chose to lie to avoid retribution. Adults are intolerant of children's deception, perceiving it as a betrayal. In this case, beatings work like a lie detector. It is in your best interest to voluntarily reveal the “million-dollar secret.”
Try to distract the attacker's attention. It is important to behave in unexpected ways to confuse the parent. Screams, tears, objections drive the elders even more crazy? Hold back, remain silent. Start smoothing out the wrinkles on your clothes, look at the toes of your feet. The usual conflict scenario will be automatically interrupted.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you think that beatings can cause harm to health, you can call the police. In the future, in order to avoid an increase in aggression, share the trouble with those close relatives with whom you have established trusting relationships. Did your mom tell you to “keep your mouth shut”? Perhaps dad has no idea that someone is beating his daughter. It is not right. His duty is to protect you. And don’t be shy about contacting your school psychologist. The specialist is obliged to keep patients' secrets. Will not complain to either parents or the class teacher. And he will definitely find a way to change your life for the better.

When non-intervention is criminal

We found out what grown-up children should do, but what should the little ones do? Who should preschoolers go to, who should they count on? On other adults - father, relatives, neighbors, passers-by, fellow travelers. Indifference in such cases can be criminal, and if behind the wall there is swearing, regular children's sobs, sounds indicating violence, it is necessary to intervene!

I once read discussions in which people shared non-standard ways to solve various social problems. One forum member wrote: “New neighbors moved in, and on the very first evening a masterly obscenity sounded from their apartment. And female. At first I thought it was coming off on my husband, but no, on my little daughter. I listened for a day, two, and on the third I wrote a letter in which I colorfully told what I thought, where I would turn, what consequences awaited the loud-voiced, unrestrained madam. That’s it, the screaming has stopped!” I believe, since tyrants are often cowardly, it is enough for them to understand that you are aware and are not going to remain silent. Other approaches are possible, but ignoring any manifestation of aggression towards children is unacceptable!